I met the friendliest cop last night
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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