i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
