i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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