i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Jerry, you need to find god
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
