Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
