I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The feeling are messing with the penis
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
