Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
