Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
