Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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