I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
