I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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