All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I currently don't understand fingers.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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