I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
