Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
