This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
