sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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