i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize