I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
All I want is dick and wine.
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