she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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