Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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