I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize