true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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