When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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