My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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