My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
