I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
