my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
