So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
