Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
