dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
