Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
