There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
