Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
