so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
