meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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