just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
