Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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