that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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