fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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