Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
