she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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