brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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