I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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