just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
