Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
