i'm signing you up for texting rehab
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Vodka?
Forever.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
