I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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