you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize