true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
