OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
