I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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