i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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