but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
