then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
